User blog:Nobody700/Flash Reviews: Episode 5; Barry is worst Jesus

In this episode, we talk about Kim Kardashian. No? Then why is it called...

Plastique
So Barry says friends are friends because magic while he says that friend zones are lame. Iris likes Cisco and Caitlin and says friends so many times I forget what that word means. This shoulda been called 'FRIENDS!'. Wait, that sounds like an awful name for a show. So Caitlin pervs on Eddie and it disgusts Barry so much, he begins to drink. Too bad he can't get drunk. Caitlin reveals her hobby of stabbing people. So Girls against boys really got to her brain. So a hot chick goes Allah Akbar on some people for the sin of being victims of her stealing their shit. Barry heads out to stop terror forever with him asking how fast he can go. Dude, does it even matter? Just go really fast. Hell, even Caitlin agrees. Also Iris is there to perv on the flash. Why can't women keep it in their pants? So Iris sees the flash is real, and Barry runs away crying cause Iris knows things. So at the crime scene, Barry says this can't be a bombing, it's too weird. So it must be a meta. Also she's a red head. FAVORITE CHARACTER!

So Barry uses his super power of very fast filing. The 3rd most useless power. Well the military invades Central city, where we see Eiling, played by Clancy brown. Clancy brown, of course, is very famous for his voice role of the iconic DC character... King faraday. Joe and Eddie are blown away by the awesomeness of a DC veteran. It's always nice to see an actor of countless superhero works meet up with these peasant first timers. So Barry gives him the files... And steals some files. Barry is criminal scum! Well seems Iris is unable to be near crime scenes. Yeah, some cop outs her. What, does Joe have a 'DON'T LET IRIS KNOW' policy in central city? Well Iris reveals she knows the flash is real, and Joe is afraid. She could get into dangerous situations looking for the flash. If only he could stop her from doing so... Like telling her the Identity of the Flash! But come on, that's silly. If she knew, she wouldn't be placing herself in danger! That way, Joe can keep her safe.

What I'm saying is, Joe is a moron. Well Barry tells the gang of Eiling, and Wells is angry. Last time they met, he was a huge fan of planet of the apes remake and wanted to make it real. So the gang find out who she is, Plastique. Yeah, your superhero name is more important then your real name unless you are important. She isn't so Plastique it is. Plastique proves how such a nice person she is by promising not to touch Barry by touching him. His suit explodes, and Caitlin... Just starts screaming his name like Metal gear. It's glorious. Cisco is angry at Barry for surviving and not saving his suit. Damn, if he's that petty, how would he react if Barry killed his brother? Also Cisco finds red heads hot. Agreed! Joe enters in a way that pisses me off, suggesting this place has no fucking security. BUILD SOME ASSHOLES! At least an alarm. So Joe is angry about Barry and threatens to kill him. No joke. Barry tells Iris to stop reviewing the flash before that psycho Nobody700 kills her. I WILL!

https://youtu.be/pDWzGm1W0WY

This is what I did to some reviewers of the flash. Well Iris calls out Barry for not supporting her when she has supported him, and thinks he has ulterior motives. People wonder why Iris is AWESOME! Well Plastique meets up with the scientist, and wow... She's a bad actress. Her hate sounds more like boredom. Well Barry hates her acting so much, she lets her get shot, but saves her anyway cause she's a red head. RED HEADS ARE THE SAVIOR OF HUMANITY! ALL HAIL THE RED HAIR BABES! So Plastique got her powers from the PAE (Particle Accelerator explosion) where it seems Eiling can't create Meta's. Also Cisco hits on her, and everyone hates him. Agreed. Hitting on someone scared is never nice. So Caitlin finds out Plastique has a tracker on her. OOPS! Seems Eiling is there as well. So Eiling mocks Wells for being in a wheelchair, and Wells mocks Eiling for being J.K Simmons once. Hey, you can't mock him for that! Also, he wants to become a big bad like Wells.

So our Heroes somehow get away without being questioned or checked the camera footage... Damn, the military sucks. So Plastique tries to convince Barry that powers are lame, but he just tells her nah, he's cool. So Joe bitches to Barry because he's 2. Okay, maybe Joe is likable outside of Iris and secrets. Well Iris outs herself as someone who knows the flash. Obviously, it's time to tell her who you are so you can tell her to stop! Or just fuck around with her... ON THE ROOF?! WHATS YOUR FETISH WITH ROOFS SUPERHERO FICTION?! Do people who write these shows jerk off to roofs? So Barry gives the worst interview ever, and tells her to stop because telling her may actually let her stop. Yeah, this situation is STUPID!

Points: 4

Well Iris guilt trips him by revealing she does this just to make her best friend Barry realize the impossible is possible. Aww, now doesn't that make Barry and Joe look like Dicks!? They are lying to her, and she's trying to make them feel better. Barry, Joe, suck a dick. AND NOT A FUN ONE! Well Plastique is ready to blow up, and the gang doesn't want her to join cause she can kill everyone. Barry is pissed, but I get the group. Sadly, one can not save someone who can kill everyone on accident. It's like finding a lost, scared child who wants his mommy... And he is a living disease, that can kill with a touch. You feel awful for pushing them away, but you must. Well Barry and Joe talk about Iris, and Barry vibrates his voice, making Joe laugh. Damn, Joe has an infectious laugh. Barry reveals he can make her stop by just telling her. Joe deflects this away cause this will end the stupid drama and may actually go to REAL drama, like how to respond to someone who needs help but is dangerous?

So Wells blames Plastique for being in his chair. Also he tells her he can help if she listens. So he makes her head out to kill Eiling. A suicide bomber. Literally! Suicide squad gots nothing on her! Well Eiling and the gang head out to one of central city's 30 most dramatic places. The second most dramatic city to fight in in America! Well Wells tells Plastique has the power to defeat entire armies by just exploding. Somehow. Also she's ready to kill dozens of innocents soldiers. Barry stops her, so Eiling shoots her. Fuckin Barry! Plastique dies before she can reveal Wells secret... HIS REAL NAME IS ED! So she's ready to explode so Barry goes all Jesus on her and makes her explode in a river. So she explodes and Barry dodges it while submerging Central City under water. Nah, that sounds lame. A tidal wave attacking the city? HAH!

Well Eiling reveals he blew up a bomb under a city for military reasons. For some reason. Just reveal the truth Eiling. A woman with superpowers exploded cause a guy with super speed put her in the water. LOGIC! Well Barry fucking guilt trips Iris into stopping her blog. Iris says no, and wants to move on. Okay Barry, tell the truth, or begin a fucking disaster. Well Barry doesn't. Fuck. Off.

Points: 3

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TELL IRIS?! IS SHE A BLABBER MOUTH?! FUCK YOU BARRY, FUCK YOU JOE, AND FUCK ME FOR WATCHING THIS SHIT! Well Caitlin gets Barry drunk... For 5 seconds. Damn, Caitlin just wants Barry drunk... And IS THEIR A COVER OF FLOCK OF SEAGULLS PLAYING?! WHAT IS THIS EPISODE?! WHAT IS GOING ON?! WHY IS THIS EPISODE SO BAD, WHY IS IT SO WEIRD, AND WHY IS THIS COVER PLAYING?! AGGGGHHHHHHHH! Also, Barry, fuck off with your speech. I can't wait for Oliver to shove that arrow in you now. Well Eiling is in the lab. He wants the Meta's, and Wells blackmails him. Eiling though warns soon enough, everyone will know of Meta's. In the flashbacks, Wells refuses Eiling for harming Grodd. This is something I like, and something I will go on when I do Thawne's character. Let's just say he and Grodd have a connection, and he says Grodd has other goals.

Score: 3. This was not good. https://youtu.be/Vi2AkC14w4c

MVC: Iris, for not taking any shit from Barry.

MSC: Barry, for being a dick. A massive dick.

Thoughts: Barry is a douche! Plastique is only saved cause she is a red head, Cisco kinda comes off douchey, Eiling is not really intriguing, and Joe can suck a dick... AND NOT THE FUN KIND!